This blog post is from the archives of Inner Life Portraits, my portrait business from 2015 – 2022. Sharing the beautiful faces of kids awaiting adoption and this family’s story is so important, so I’m preserving it here at The Soulful Wedding.
~ Maureen
Have you ever considered adopting?
Last spring, in just a few hours, I met hundreds of kids awaiting adoption and made portraits for many of them. I was at the annual Beanstalk event at Jordan’s furniture, organized by the Massachusetts Adoptions Resource Exchange (MARE). You might know them through the Boston Globe’s Sunday’s Child and CBS’s Wednesday’s Child.
Photographing kids during a big busy event can be challenging, and I wasn’t sure how these kids—many of them with challenging life circumstances, all of them in transition—would feel about getting their portrait made.
They were incredibly receptive. Some shy, some ready to ham it up as the spectrum usually runs, but overall happy to have this moment be about them. It was so fun and my only regret was that I didn’t have time to get to know them better and make deeper portraits.
I hope my small offering of a portrait for their adoption profile will be a bright spot in the journey to their “forever family.”
One family’s story of DCF adoption
I couldn’t help but reflect on the adoptive families I’ve photographed in the past, who inspire me greatly. Wednesday, September 19 will be the one year anniversary of Anna’s Gotcha Day—the nickname for the hearing that legally finalizes an adoption. Anna’s mom Gretel hired me to photograph this momentous day and make the first family portraits for which Anna was legally part of the family. It was a rainy and windy day but that couldn’t damper such a meaningful day and their portraits overflow with emotions—mostly joy!
I asked Gretel, whose family has appeared on my blog before, if she’d be willing to tell me their adoption journey. She agreed happily and gave me permission to share it publicly because she hopes their story will inspire others. Gretel is a huge proponent of adopting through the state’s Department of Children and Families (DCF), as she and her husband did. Many of the questions I asked she gets asked often so maybe you want to know too…
Meet Anna
Anna was born premature at 32 weeks and just 3 ½ pounds. Following her birth, Anna’s birth mother initially abandoned her in the NICU. The state had previously been involved with the biological mother (who was also as a child was in DCF care) and the state stepped in shortly after Anna’s birth.
Meanwhile the Dufresne’s—already parents to two boys—were looking for expand their family.
The answers to the questions below are paraphrased from a long conversation.
Q: What inspired you to adopt?
Gretel and Mike had two beautiful and rambunctious sons, so from an outsider’s perspective, their house was full and active. And yet, Gretel said, “When I would look around the dinner table I’d think, ‘We’re not complete yet.’” Around the same time many tragic stories were surfacing in the press involving children in the foster care system. The story of Baby Bella was a breaking point for Gretel. She and Mike were actually on a rare weekend away from their sons when they read the news; she looked at her husband and said, “We can do something.” They started the conversation and shortly thereafter began their adoption journey. They reached out to DCF, and began the Massachusetts Approach to Partnership in Parenting (MAPP) training class. They even attended some of the events put on by MARE, like the one I recently photographed.
Q: Were you concerned about having a different relationship with adopted and biological children?
Gretel said that she was “all in” early on. Her husband was open, but had hesitation. The MAPP class was a welcoming environment which encouraged parents to ask every question they might have. She remembers her husband saying that he wondered if he would love an adopted child as much, or in the same way, as his biological sons, with the situations being inherently different. Today, if you asked Mike he can hardly remember feeling that worry. There is not doubt, that is “my daughter.” With every hug and smile and even with the tears, he loves her as much and as deeply.
Q: Did you have requirements for who you were looking for?
Gretel learned you need to know your family dynamic and it is OK to say that a child is not the right match—the right one will come. They struggled with the forms because they wanted to say “yes” to any child that needed a family. However, their caseworker advised them that is was best if they adopt a child younger than their youngest child. Given the circumstances many of the children in DCF care face, disrupting birth order can make family integration more challenging. Adoptive children need attention and focus that many parents cannot give while they also have very young children. With boys roughly ages 3 ½ and 5 ½ at the time, this meant they would be matched with a baby or toddler.
Further, the well being of their boys was always in the forefront of her mind. One of the biggest concerns for their family was the “legal risk” issue. Gretel and Mike worried about the ability of all of them—parents and sons—to cope if they bonded with a child who was ultimately reunited with his/her biological parents. This directed them toward cases in which the legal risk was less, but it’s never certain.
Q: Tell me Anna’s story
It was Anna who came into their life! She was born 8-weeks premature at Lowell General Hospital. Gretel and Mike were contacted about Anna approximately 1-month after her birth. Anna was still in the NICU but ready to be released home.
What happened next, happened quickly and Gretel and Mike never looked back! Gretel remembers the week in detail: she received a call on Tuesday. She and Mike talked that night and on Wednesday said “Yes!” They met Anna for the first time on Thursday. She was still in the NICU and they gave her a bottle that evening. Their sons met Anna on Saturday afternoon. Anna, weighing 5 lbs. 9 oz., came home with them on Monday afternoon.
The medical information regarding Anna’s biological parents was spotty at best; there was concern regarding the extent of alcohol and drugs that Anna had been exposed to in utero. The biological mother had acknowledged using marijuana during her pregnancy and there was marijuana in Anna’s meconium at birth. Although this was all a concern, as Gretel put it, with any child no one has a crystal ball. Adopted or biological, your children are your children and you deal with each issue as it arises. “You could be cruising along a normal path with your biological children” she says, “and still someone could get sick or something unexpected could happen.”
Anna is no exception. She has had respiratory issues requiring hospitalization and she was received Early Intervention services from the beginning with Aspire in Salem. Anna was delayed in reaching her milestones of crawling and walking but with the help of her Early Intervention team (including developmental therapy and physical therapy services) her development is moving right along and she is thriving. Looking at her today—running, laughing and playing—you would never know the challenges that faced her at birth. She is determined, tough, and makes every attempt to keep up with her older brothers!
Q. What has it been like for your sons to have an adopted little sister?
Between Anna’s arrival in their home and her Gotcha Day, approximately 14 months had passed, during which she bonded with her older brothers. Each time the boys asked to feed or hold her, or Gretel and Mike heard them say “this is my sister, Anna” they knew they were becoming a family.
Even stressful moments revealed the beauty and strength of the siblings’ bond, and Gretel recalled one difficult but telling event.
Until the adoption was finalized, Anna’s biological mother was entitled to supervised, bi-weekly visits with Anna at the DCF center in Lowell. Typically, the visits were scheduled in advance and the biological mother was required to confirm the visit 24-hours in advance. On one occasion, the caseworker was out sick when the biological mother provided her 24-hour notice. As a result, Gretel was not notified the visit was going forward until just hours before it was scheduled to start. She did not have childcare for their youngest son, then 4-years-old, so he came with her. When Gretel arrived and gave Anna to the social worker her son burst into tears and was sobbing, “Why are you giving her our baby?! Where is she going?” It was a harrowing moment to endure and find ways to comfort her son, but it was clear the strong bonds that were forming and she knew Anna was their sister and her daughter.
Certainly, this process is not without stress. Gretel readily admits there is an anxiety underlyng the process because, until that Gotcha Day comes, the state’s focus is on reunification with the biological family. With a smile and a sigh she says, “But nothing in life is a guarantee. During the course, the MAPP instructions said if you are in this adoption process for YOU then it is not the right path. You need to go into this thinking that, for however long a child is placed with you—whether a week or for their forever home—you are in this for THEM and to be their family.”
Q: Is Anna’s birth family still involved?
Managing a relationship with the birth family is one of the trials of adoption. Every situation is extremely different. In Anna’s case, it is an open adoption. Gretel and Mike maintain a PO Box to share letters and pictures once per year with the biological mother. Assuming the biological mother follows through, she is entitled to an annual, supervised visit at a DCF center. However, if the biological mother goes 2-consecutive years without following through on a visit, the obligation for these visits is terminated.
Q: How much did it cost?
$0. She gets this question a ton because people often talk about the cost of private adoption. However, as Gretel put it, adopting through DCF “doesn’t cost a cent, just your time.” In fact, there is a small stipend for the days that you’re caring for the child before the adoption is finalized, and a small quarterly subsidy for clothing. For children with special needs additional financial resources are available. For parents who might be looking at the long run, children adopted through the state of Massachusetts can attend any UMass school to which they are accepted tuition free.
Q: How do you deal with comments and questions about Anna’s skin color?
Adoption often creates mixed race families and Gretel said that ethnicity and race were a big topic in their MAPP class. What kind of support should and can a parent provide for their child of a different race?
Anna’s birth mother is caucasian and birth father is Puerto Rican, which has yielded beautiful green eyes and olive skin. Gretel’s German descent gives her fair skin. When just she and Anna are out together people do comment and ask questions about Anna’s complexion and her dad. When people make various comments she tends to offer a benign smile or small laugh (which I’ve witnessed myself—it’s quietly gracious), and not offer explanations. When people ask direct questions about Anna’s dad she decides in the moment how much to share. Sometimes she simply says, “My husband is Portuguese,” an honest reply without revealing the whole picture to a stranger. Not because there’s anything to hide, but she doesn’t feel the need to explain her family and Anna’s story to everyone.
(I really took note of this for my own family because my son has two moms. My wife gave birth—and gorgeous blue eyes—to him. With dark brown eyes myself, everywhere I go with him people want to know if he has his father’s eyes. Do I need to come out to every passing stranger in the supermarket? Sometimes I do and I think it’s good for these strangers’ to have their assumption shattered. Sometimes, I’m just looking for the puffs, and after hearing Gretel’s approach, might just say, “They are gorgeous eyes, aren’t they?” or “Yes,” without giving the time to explain the “father” is an anonymous donor.)
Q: Would you do it again?
Not only would Gretel adopt from the state again, she plans to. There’s simply more room at the table.
For your heart’s pleasure, take a look inside Anna’s Gotcha Day! (no sound)
“I cannot look at that album and not smile and be overwhelmed with happiness. She was our daughter from the day we met her in Lowell General but to know that she was and always would be OUR DAUGHTER was amazing.
“The album is proudly displayed on our coffee table and the boys still talk about how they got to use the judge’s ‘hammer. The smiles on our entire family—especially the boys—reinforced there was no doubt she was where she was meant to be with our family.” —Gretel D., Anna’s mom
Children awaiting adoption in Massachusetts
Please view and share these gorgeous children—all of whom are still available to be matched with a new family. MARE’s entire goal is raising awareness for kids waiting to be adopted, both a general cultural awareness, and for you to meet the kids themselves! Help their mission by sharing this post with families and individuals who might want to become a family 🙂
Profile information copied from the Massachusetts Adoption Resource Exchange (MARE) website.
Erick and Grady
Age 9 and 14
Registration # 6642 and 6643
Hi! Our names are Erick and Grady and Erick wants to be a chef when he grows up. Grady hopes to get to play football someday!
Erick and Grady are a bonded sibling group of Caucasian/Hispanic descent. Erick is a fourteen-year old boy who is described as easy to talk to. He especially loves to talk about cooking! Erick loves to play video games, watch YouTube and go to the YMCA. He is in the eight grade where his favorite subject is Science and he hopes to be able to go to technical high school in the future so he can learn to be a chef. Erick says he hopes that his future family is “rich” and able to buy him video games!
Grady is an eight-year old boy who is described as a talker who likes to be silly! He is also described as sweet, kind and sensitive. He loves playing on his tablet and watching YouTube videos like his older brother. Grady says he hopes one day to become a scuba diver or a “YouTuber of science videos”. Grady loves to receive praise and positive attention. He is also quick to praise others for their work. Grady hopes to one day be able to earn his own money and be able to spend it!
Legally freed for adoption, the children have expressed they would like to be adopted together. A future family will need to be open to two visits post-adoption with their biological mother and four visits between placement and legalization. The boys would be thrilled to have a dog and other siblings in their adoptive family. Most importantly they want a family that can adopt them together!
Jaycob
Age 7
Registration # 6889
Hi! My name is Jaycob and I love to smile and give hugs!
Jaycob is a charming, engaging and likeable boy of Caucasian descent who is quick to give hugs. Those who know him best say that he has a silly side and is remarkably kind. Recently, when he was at the doctor’s office he asked for extra stickers so that he could bring them back to the other children in his home. Jaycob loves playing with Matchbox cars, Pokémon, Beyblade toys and video games. Jaycob hopes one day to be a contestant on the television show Wipe-Out, where contestants have to navigate an obstacle course. He plays the video game version and believes that he could complete the course in real life if given the opportunity.
Jaycob enjoys going to school, is academically on track, and gets along well with his peers.
Devondrick and Eliajah
Age 10 and 14
Registration # 5644 and 5645
Hi! Our names are Devondrick and Eliajah and we want to be a police officer and professional soccer player.
Devondrick and Eliajah are friendly brothers who are looking for a family together! Devondrick is an outgoing young man of Cape Verdean descent. He presents as quiet and shy around people he does not know but once he feels comfortable, he is friendly, outgoing, and funny. Devondrick is very athletic and loves to play baseball, football, and basketball. He participates in team sports regularly, and is currently on local baseball and football teams. Devondrick is very competitive and takes pride in his abilities. He does well academically, especially in math. He has many friends at school with whom he enjoys spending time.
Eliajah is of Lebanese and Cape Verdean descent. He is funny, social and enjoys being around other children. He loves to play outside and watch television. Eliajah has played baseball in the past and would also love the opportunity to try soccer. Eliajah’s foster mother says that Eliajah has a big heart, and that he is very helpful around the house and will even ask to help with chores! He does well in class and has friends at school.
Legally freed for adoption, Devondrick and Eliajah would like to be placed in a home together with a mother and a father, a single mother or a single father. Their social worker is open to exploring families with or without other children in the home. A family must willing to follow an Open Adoption Agreement, which calls for the boys to visit their mother in Massachusetts three times a year and their father four times a year. An ideal family will also help Devondrick and Eliajah maintain their relationship with their biological sister in Massachusetts, who is very important to them.
Michael
Age 6
Registration # 5764
Hi! My name is Michael and I love Mickey Mouse!
Michael is a smart, friendly and happy boy of Caucasian descent who is always laughing. His favorite activities are playing with toy cars and listening to music. Michael loves anything that has to do with Mickey Mouse. He enjoys school and does well academically. Michael recently learned how to recite the alphabet backwards and is very proud of his accomplishment!
Michael has several medical diagnoses, although he is exceeding his doctors’ expectations in terms of his development. He is currently living in a medical foster home and works with occupational, speech and physical therapists. Michael has shown the ability to form strong bonds with his caretakers and has good relationships with his foster parent and the nurses who help care for him.
Legally freed for adoption, Michael will thrive in a loving and attentive family that is prepared to care for a medically complicated child. His social worker is open to exploring families of any constellation where Michael can be the youngest or only child.
Isaiah
Age 11
Registration # 6165
Hi! My name is Isaiah and I want to be an artist when I grow up!
Isaiah is a smart, engaging, and observant boy of African-American and Caucasian descent. When asked to describe himself, Isaiah says that he is funny, fun-loving and curious. Isaiah loves to draw and paint, and hopes to become an artist when he grows up. He also enjoys building things and feels that one of his greatest talents is building “massive buildings” with kinetics and Legos. Isaiah also likes to go for walks and play sports such as baseball and basketball. Isaiah’s favorite color is red and he loves animals
In school, Isaiah receives extra supports to address some learning challenges and to help him stay focused in class.
Isaiah has experienced loss in his life, and is eager to build connections with caring adults and to become part of a loving family! His ideal family will be able to provide him with support, guidance, structure and understanding. Isaiah is legally freed for adoption and will do well in a home of any constellation where he can be an only child. Isaiah has a close relationship with his two younger sisters in Massachusetts who he sees monthly and it would be in Isaiah’s best interest for these visits to continue.
Cole
Age 15
Registration # 6205
Hi! My name is Cole and I am very athletic!
Cole is a friendly, easy going fourteen-year-old boy of Caucasian descent. He is described as a funny teenager who gets along well with both children and adults. Cole is very athletic and loves playing football and basketball. He also enjoys riding his bike and playing video games. Academically Cole is doing well and he has many friends he enjoys hanging out with.
Cole is legally freed for adoption and can be placed in a home with a mother and father or single mother as the youngest or only child. Cole will need a family that supports his relationship with his siblings.
Willenny
Age 11
Registration # 6436
Hi! My name is Willenny and I love to be outside!
Willenny is a bright and cheerful girl of Hispanic descent who is described as an excellent athlete. Willenny has a good sense of humor and likes to brighten people’s day with a joke. Willenny is always willing to lend a hand to help other children in the classroom. Willenny particularly excels in math at school. Willenny is bilingual and is able to speak both English and Spanish.
Legally freed for adoption, Willenny would do well with an active family. She would like to be matched with a family in Northeastern Massachusetts that is able to keep her in contact with her siblings who are placed separately. She would do best in a two parent family or a single mom. She could be placed with or without other children.