LGBTQ Weddings: Inclusivity Manifesto and Media

So much has changed in LGBTQ weddings

I started in the wedding industry in Boston as a photographer in 2008. At that time Massachusetts was one of the only states in the country that allowed queer couples to have a marriage on par with straight couples (as opposed to civil unions). At that time we actually had tourism for LGBTQ weddings. Couples came from all over the country to celebrate their fully symbolic marriage that had no legal value when they returned home.

Back then many queer couples felt compelled to explain their choice to participate in “skim milk marriage,” as it’s been known since the 2013 Windsor case. Many couples had been together decades and never ever imagined they’d have this choice. Often one or both biological families were not present, and the emphasis was on celebrating the couple’s chosen family.

So much has changed, and LGBTQ weddings look so much more like straight weddings in 2022. However, the wedding planning journey, the concerns, the emotional, mental, and logistical labor that queer couples endure is greater than their straight peers.

While gay and “same-sex” weddings are becoming more accepted in the mainstream in many regions in the country, the same is not true for non-binary and trans marriers. The image of a bride in white and groom in a tux—even if it’s two grooms and two brides—remains central and many people seem challenged to think outside of that.

What needs to change in LGBTQ weddings

As a wedding industry veteran, I think it’s a bit ridiculous that this industry—which is built on customization—has resisted being more creative when it comes to de-gendering labels, structures, and rituals of the wedding day. I call on all florists, planners, caterers, photographers, DJs, and all wedding vendors to think past femme marriers carrying bouquets, wearing white gowns, entering the ceremony last, and dancing with their dads. It seems every juncture of the wedding day relies on old gender norms instead of seeking and creating deeper meaning in how partners relate to each other and their community.

We can uplift this industry by making it more inclusive. We can serve all our couples better by not making assumptions, by not basing our services on them ticking predetermined boxes. Not only will we get to uplift and affirm deep, beautiful, queer souls fully and authentically, it will make the industry better for EVERYONE. Inclusivity always does that. Cisgender straight couples have always been celebrated in this industry, but when we focus on the creativity of inclusivity, they will get to be celebrated more fully and authentically too—they will be celebrated for who they are and not just for fitting the mold.

Conversations about LGBTQ weddings in 2022

I endeavor to understand, and make my straight peers aware of, how the LGBTQ wedding experience differs. I’m always listening to my couples and peers planning LGBTQ weddings about their experience. Please enjoy these recent IG Live conversations with queer weddings peers.

Please visit Cate’s website to see her emotive wedding photography (featuring many queer couples!), and follow her on Instagram.

Please visit Joe’s the Contagious Events website for wedding planning inspiration and follow him on Instagram.

Supporting LGBTQ wedding clients + vendors

Recently I was asked my top tips how wedding vendors can support their LGBTQ wedding clients and vendors. Here’s some of what I shared. If you are a queer marrier or wedding vendor I’m all ears for the kind of support you’d like to receive!

Supporting LGBTQ wedding couples

(1) Make sure all of your communication throughout the whole client experience is gender neutral. Many vendors have made the effort to have gender neutral marketing, but they forget about the post-booking experience. For a queer client to be faced with heteronormative language and assumptions after booking can feel like a bait and switch. Make sure every email, form, and service label—right down to post-event follow up—refers to the couple, soonlywed, marrier, partner, etc. There are so many options beyond ‘bride and groom!’

(2) Give them an extra warm welcome. Straight people may not realize that every single inquiry a queer couple sends out is like coming out all over again. Even the most confident person has some fear of rejection—it’s difficult and exhausting. In fact, many queer couples send fewer inquiries per vendor than straight couples. You can counter that by making queer couples feel extra welcome. Don’t just say you serve all couples or ‘Love is love.’ Let them know you are so glad they reached out, that it would be an honor to serve them and customize everything to fit their vision.

(3) Get creative in customizing things—from labels to designs. The wedding industry is all about customization. We should be better able to think outside of the ‘bride and groom’ paradigm more than other industries since we are used to catering to personal preferences and visions. If you are not in the LGBTQ community yourself don’t feel overwhelmed like it’s a community you don’t understand; just think that it is a community who needs their rituals and designs even more custom. Don’t view creating outside of gender norms as a customer service checkbox. Instead, see it as a creative challenge and pleasure—use all your talent and skill, then go offer that deeper creativity and customization to your straight couples as well!

Supporting LGBTQ wedding vendors

(1) Hire and refer them! We are in business together, after all. Statistically, any vendor with a marginalized identity will have more barriers to growing their business. When you refer and hire them, you are growing the success of the LGBTQ business community at large. If you meet someone who is queer at a networking event, make that extra effort to not lose their card and email and follow them on social media.

(2) Keep an LGBTQ vendor roster (and likewise a BIPOC one, too). These are not vendors willing to take the money of LGTBQ couples, but vendors in the LGBTQ community themselves. Some couples will be more comfortable and honestly better served by the community. Be ready to refer to them, especially for vendors involved in the day intimately like photographers, officiants, and planners. This is a boon for LGBTQ vendors and couples alike, and makes you look more established and thoughtful.

(3) Follow the lead of LGBTQ vendors. I’ve been amazed by the number of times a straight ally has told me the best way to serve the LGBTQ community. They should be asking me as a queer woman and wedding officiant, not telling me. They are totally missing the chance to learn something.

Media features related to LGBTQ weddings

My interviews, quotes, and LGBTQ weddings featured in the media.

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